


you seemed fine

by seoseouls (kihoseok)



Series: hyungwoo rise [4]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, hyungwon is sad, hyungwoo rise, i hate myself for making him suffer, negative self image, self doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 00:12:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10320836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kihoseok/pseuds/seoseouls
Summary: "Every human walks around with a certain kind of sadness. They may not wear it on their sleeves, but it's there if you look deep." -Taraji P. Henson





	

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this as a vent work at 3 am over self loathing and lemon pound cake happy saint patricks day kids

 It had happened again.

        Hyungwon had collapsed during practice again after stumbling over his feet and missing moves all practice. He tried to pull himself up from the floor, up and away from the prying eyes of his fellow members, but to no avail. His arms wobbled as he tried to pull himself up, tears threatening to fall from his eyes. He felt his limbs shake with the effort as he tried to will himself up, panic overtaking him. _'No no no, please not here.'_ He begged, feeling bubbles of anxiety rise in his chest, threatening to burst out of the cavity and crawl up his throat. This was the second time in a week this had happened, and he knew it wasn't good. He kept trying to get up, slapping Hoseok's hand away when he came to help the Adonis up.

        "I'm fine," he snapped, keeping his eyes on the ground. "Just thirsty, let me get a drink and I'll be back up in a minute," He hissed, shakily pulling himself up to rest on one of the dance studio chairs. He didn't dare to look up, didn't dare to lock eyes with what were no doubt disappointed stares from his members. He held a water bottle in his trembling fingers, barely able to unscrew the cap as he brought the liquid to his lips. Vaguely, he heard Hyunwoo call for a five-minute break and felt the members disperse to various corners of the room, their stares burning holes in his body.

        "Are you alright?" He heard Hyunwoo ask from beside him, his baritone voice simultaneously increasing and soothing the anxiety in the younger's chest. He only managed a weak nod, his eyes still fixed firmly on his feet.

        "I'm fine, Hyung," He croaked out, raising his eyes for a brief moment to give the leader a tight-lipped smile. He gripped the bottle tighter as he felt the leader's analyzing gaze. He fought the urge to squirm under the elder's stare, willing his legs still and his arms relaxed. They sat like that for a while, the leader waiting for any sign Hyungwon wasn't okay, and him not giving any. He sat as still as he could, only moving to take sips from his water or fix his hair when a stray lock fell in his face. Finally, Hyunwoo stood up, walking to the center of the room to signal the restart of practice, and on shaky legs and with a fragile heart, Hyungwon followed.

          
        The last thing he had heard as he had blacked out halfway through hero, as he fell to the floor in an exhausted haze, was Hyunwoo barking his name over the din of the music. 

//////////////////

        Later, Hyungwon woke up in the dorm living room swaddled in blankets and with a cool cloth over his forehead. He let out a groan, his bones screaming in protest with every move he made. He rolled over from his back to his side, surprised to see Hyunwoo sitting across from his, his eyes locked onto him like a watchful hawk. He resisted the urge to groan again, he didn't want to explain himself to Hyunwoo, not now. Possibly not ever. _'Please, just go away, you wouldn't understand.'_ He mentally pleaded, attempting to will the man away, but to no avail. They sat they way for a moment, Hyungwon frozen in an attempt not to be spotted and Hyunwoo with his eyes firmly trained on him.

        "You're awake."

        "Mhm."

        Hyungwon didn't bother with talking, he was afraid his voice would betray him. He didn't need Hyunwoo to hear how fragile he was, how close to the precipice of rock bottom he had come. He didn't want him to hear the weakness his voice carried, he didn't want to let him down more than he already had.

        "What happened?"

        "Nothing. I was just tired."

        This had become almost a dance to them, a routine in its own form. Hyunwoo would ask what was wrong, and Hyungwon would lie. Hyunwoo would press him, and he would give another weak excuse. It was a game of cat and mouse, each step calculated and precise. One misstep could result in Hyungwon's world crumbling before him. He had mastered the dance long ago, swaying to the tragic music with old lovers and old friends. He had become adept at the routine, even dancing around his own thoughts in his head. He flew around his emotions, his footwork rarely slipping. The nights he did, however, were often spent in the studio drowning himself in work, anything to escape the way he felt.

        He couldn't afford a misstep. 

        "Are you sure?"

        "I'm sure, Hyung. I'm fine. Go to sleep," He said, rolling over so for Hyunwoo to not see the sadness in his eyes. They remained there, Hyunwoo watching him and Hyungwon ignoring him just like in the practice room. It was always the ending to the dance. Eventually, Hyungwon heard the elder rise out the chair and leave the room, departing silently without a word.

        Hyungwon pretended that it didn't hurt. 

///////////////

        Two weeks later, Hyungwon made his first misstep. 

        It was an off day, and he was alone in the dorm. He had opted to rest for the day, lethargy winning over socializing. He sat in the dorm, scrolling mindlessly through his phone. He almost dropped it out of surprise when he saw a text from the manager, rushing to open it.

**From: Manager**  
To: Hyungwon  
_Hyungwon, I heard you've been sick lately. I've heard from other members you seem to be off and by extension, I can only assume your performance is deteriorating as well. Please remember that if you begin weighing the group down we will be forced to cut you out. If you are sick, please see a doctor immediately. We cannot have any distractions as the comeback draws nearer. You do not need to reply to this, but just know that myself and many others are monitoring your performance closely. Remember this._

_\- Manager_

        Hyungwon stared at the message, his stomach sinking to his stomach. He felt his throat constrict, hot, burning tears pricking the back of his eyes. He never meant to weigh the group down, he never wanted that. He just wanted to be the best, _needed_ to be the best. He was the visual, the most disposable. He wasn't a mood maker, a dancer, or a singer, he wasn't brilliant and funny like Minhyuk or masculine and graceful like Hoseok, the other two visuals. He wasn't needed. He couldn't live up to their expectations, he'd never be able to. As he read over the message he felt more and more panic swell in his chest, a suffocating weight constricting his heart like a vice. The tears spilled down his cheeks, searing hot with shame and terror. He shook violently, fear gripping his mind as his manager's words echoed through his head. Amidst the panic, he felt bile rise in his throat. He dropped his phone, running into the bathroom and slamming the door open. He leaned himself over the toilet just in time to vomit into the porcelain bowl. He felt himself shake as he retched, his hands gripping the seat with a white knuckled grip. He kept retching and kept retching into the bowl long after there was nothing but bile left. 

        He collapsed down onto the floor, the stench of vomit filling his nostrils as he lay on the cold tile. Weak sobs wracked his body, causing him to convulse and shake with every breath. He felt the hopelessness course through his body, filling his veins and his brain as he lay there. He held his face in his hands, curling into the fetal position as he continued letting out small sobs punctuated by gasps for air and whines of despair. Lost in his own world, he hadn't heard Hyunwoo enter then dorm, hadn't heard Hyunwoo call his name. Hadn't heard Hyunwoo enter the bathroom until it was too late. 

//////////////////

        A week later, after the 'incident' as Hyungwon called it, things had changed. His misstep in their dance had put Hyunwoo dangerously close, and he could feel the man's hovering. Hyunwoo had burst into the bathroom concern written all over his features. Hyungwon passed it off as food poisoning, citing the crying as a side effect of throwing up so much. He could tell Hyunwoo hadn't bought it, but he didn't press the matter further. Hyungwon had felt the shift, though, he felt the man loitering more than necessary, felt his watchful eye take in every one of the Adonis's movements. He made sure to continue the dance, to try to regain his lead. He didn't succeed, it seemed like Hyunwoo knew just how to match his movements.

        One day, in the dorms, Hyungwon made his second misstep. He sat with his face buried in his pillow, letting his tears fly for the first time that week. He lay there, letting his sobs be muffled by his pillow. Late at night, he had awoken from a nightmare, and under the cover of the darkness, he dared to let the tears slip past his eyes. He felt everything crumbling from underneath him. He felt the cracks in the armor he had put up so long ago begin to grow, his walls crumbling down. He felt so useless, so replaceable, so utterly _useless_. He thought, for a moment, that the managers kicking him from the group would be a blessing. At least, he thought, he wouldn't have any more people or fans to disappoint. 

        In that moment, he heard Hyunwoo shift in his bunk, letting out a groan as the covers rustled. Hyungwon froze, choking his sobs back in his throat. He turned still as a board, praying Hyunwoo hadn't heard.

        "Hyungwon?"

 

        Shit.

        He continued to feign sleep, hoping it would be enough for the man to leave him alone. He stayed like that for a while, his face buried in the pillow, the material borderline suffocating him. After what seemed like hours, Hyungwon heard the leader turn over and settle in his bed, and he let out a sigh of relief.

//////////////////////

        His next misstep was his last.

        He stood in the practice room alone, sweat pouring down his neck as he continued to dance long into the night. He needed an escape, needed a way to distract himself before he broke down. He didn't keep track of the hours, running through the routine like a robot, not bothering to check the time. He danced and danced, whirling his body through the room until he collapsed, dizzy eyes staring up at the ceiling as he lay on the ground, his clothes drenched in sweat. He lay there, just staring numbly until he heard the door swing open. 

        "Do you know what time it is?" He heard Hyunwoo ask from the entryway, his voice less chastising and more concerned than Hyungwon thought it would be. 

        "No," He muttered, keeping his eyes fixed on the ceiling. 

        "It's four in the morning, Hyungwon-ah, He said, closer this time.

        "Oh," Hyungwon simply responded, tracing patterns in the ceiling. 

        "What is going on with you?" Hyunwoo asked, his voice distressed, taking Hyungwon aback for a moment.

        "It's like I told you Hyung, it's nothing," He retorted, trying his hardest to keep his voice steady.

        "It's not nothing Hyungwon, I know it isn't. I'm tired of tiptoeing around this damn subject, I need you to tell me what's going on. The manager keeps texting me asking for updates on you, we're all worried. Minhyuk is worried sick, Hoseok is barely eating because we all sense it, we all know something is wrong. I wish you'd just tell us, god we just want to understand," He said, his voice even closer now, only a foot or two away.

        "You wouldn't understand, Hyung," Hyungwon croaked, tears pricking his eyes.

        "Then make me," He said, his voice even closer to Hyungwon than before. 

        "I can't!" He burst out, the tears slowly rolling down his face. "You'll never understand! None of you! You won't!" He yelled, snapping upright on the floor.

        "How can you even know that if you don't bother to _tell us_?" The elder asked, staring at Hyungwon with frustrated eyes.

        "Because you won't! You're all needed! You're all fucking special! You all have a place in the group! I'm just a visual, I don't do shit! I'm not fucking important, I can't dance like you or Hoseok, I can't sing like Kihyun and Minhyuk, I can't rap like Jooheon or Changkyun, I'm useless! I-I'm I'm just-" he couldn't finish, sobs taking over his whole body. He sat there for long moments that felt like an eternity, his sobs filling the otherwise quiet room. 

        "Do-do you really think that?" Hyunwoo asked, his voice slightly quavering. Hyungwon didn't answer but knew that was more than enough answer for him. "Please, please don't ever think that," He said, walking closer to the shaking boy. "I don't want you to ever think that Hyungwon, god, you're so important. You're so important to us all. You're so much more than a pretty face to us, you're never just that. You're the pillar of our group, we all rely on you. You out everyone first, even to your own expense. You can't see it Hyungwon, but you're so important to us. You're more important than you know, please never say that. I love you so much, please. It breaks my heart to hear that.

        "Don't say that," He pleaded, his voice and heartbreaking at once.

        "What?"

        "Don't say it, don't say you love me, please," He said again, fresh tears spilling down his face.

        "Why? I do," He said, inching closer.

        "Not the way I love you," Hyungwon choked out, his voice breaking. He had nothing left to lose, right? Silence once again filled the room, and Hyungwon took that as hi answer.

        "I do."

        "What?"

        "I love you so much, more than you know. I want to kiss you and hold you and stay by your side no matter what. I want to stay with you, Chae Hyungwon. I love you."

        "You do?"

        Hyunwoo gently sealed their lips, his nose brushing against Hyungwon's in the gentle touch. Hyungwon melted into his touch, his hands gripping the elder's biceps for dear life, resealing their lips together when Hyunwoo pulled away. in his arms, in that moment, with their plush lips moving in sync, Hyungwon knew he would be alright. He knew he was loved, he knew he was important. In one instant, one split second, he knew he had everything he ever wanted in Hyunwoo, and always would.


End file.
